The Role of Being an Uncle
Growing up, my Uncle was my hero. He was my best friend. In my eyes, he could do everything. He played football and baseball, even playing in the minors with the Pittsburgh Pirates until injuries cut his career short. I remember going to high school football games with my Dad to watch him play. The role of an uncle in my life was monumental; I would dream of the day when it would be me on that field and him proudly watching me from the stands.
He was always willing to play ball with me in the yard, using these times as teaching moments in my athletic career. The older I got, the more he became the one I could go to with questions that I might not have been comfortable asking my parents (we all know those questions). He allowed me a safe space to make mistakes without fear of failure or punishment.
He was the original FUNCLE.
Now I am an Uncle. I have three nephews: Smith (11), Bo (10), and Judah (2). I have one niece, Grayson (5 months). If you know me, then you know my love for them and for being an Uncle is unconditional and undeniable.
When my first nephew, Smith, was born, I remember the first time I held. Sitting there, just the two of us, on the sun porch of my sister’s house, I looked down at him and my relationship with my Uncle came flooding back to me . . . all the good times playing catch or wrestling in the floor or talking girls. In that moment, I made him a promise. I promised to always be there for him and to be a safe place whenever he needed. I promised to do my best to be the example he needed to become a strong and loving man who lived for God. I never promised we would not argue, but I did promise to never leave his side.
And in keeping with the responsibilities of being a FUNCLE, I also vowed that I would teach him things that would probably get him into trouble, but that is, after all, my duty as Uncle to teach him. So, if you see my youngest nephew, Judah, “Magic Mike” his diaper off, it is a pretty good guess where he learned it from (though I can’t take the credit for his “hubba-hubba” reaction to a pretty girl). After all, Uncles are supposed to get their nephews into a little mischief and then pretend we are both innocent when we get caught. It’s part of the job description. And I like to think I do it well!
(I am also aware that payback is rough, so I can only imagine what will happen when I have a kid.)
I have made that same promise to all my nephews. I made the same to my niece, though to her I promised to always be the example of the Godly man that she should look for in her own life, and that I would always be there to protect her. And as for the other stuff, I won’t teach her . . . she’s too sweet. Sugar and spice and everything nice, right?
So, what does it mean to be an Uncle?
I believe being an Uncle is a delicate balance of being a father, a brother, and a friend.
FATHER
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4
I was fortunate to have a strong and present father growing up. He never missed a game or a performance. He was always there to help with homework, science projects, or life in general. He worked hard to provide for us. He made sure we never went without and that our needs were met. I never doubted his love nor his commitment to me and the family. I still don’t.
A father is a protector, a provider, and an example.
A father protects what is valuable: his family, his home, his friends, his beliefs, his name. He will fight to ensure the safety of those in his care.
A father provides for those under his watch: food, shelter, clothes, support, discipline.
A father is also an example to his kids. For his sons, he should emulate what it is to be a man after God’s heart by loving people, doing works in service to others, praying, working hard, and putting the needs of his family first. He shows his sons the way to treat a woman by how he treats their mother. For his daughters, he should be the example that other men in her life should strive to live up to, for his relationship with her is the foundation for the love, self-worth, and respect with which she will live her life.
Fathers also have the responsibility to make sure these qualities are passed on to the next generation. It is the duty of the father to discipline his kids so that they learn self-control and responsibility. A lack of discipline is a major problem with today’s society. Too many fathers are absent and values such as personal responsibility, discipline, faith, and basic human decency have been neglected and obsolete in today’s family. The “nuclear family” has been erased. Fathers are needed now more than ever.
The qualities of a father (protecting, providing, discipline) are the backbone of what it is to be an Uncle. No matter how much I may goof off with my nephews, their safety and well-being are my utmost priority. I will always provide, especially love and discipline. And no matter what mischiefs we might find ourselves in, I always aim to set a good example for them. It is my responsibility to help support and further the values set forth by their own fathers.
In other words, the father role is the foundation of the Uncle relationship that allows the other roles to work. Just like the foundation of a house that supports the walls, the floor, and the roof, the father role is the structure upon which the very relationship is built.
BROTHER
“Brothers are like streetlights along the road. They may not make the distance any shorter, but they light up the path and make the walk worthwhile.” – Unknown
I never knew what it was to have a brother until I met Matt. We met our freshman year in college during fall baseball practice. I remember when I first saw him; I thought he was an upper classman. As a first baseman, he stood 6’4” with tree trunks for legs and could hit a ball further than I anyone else I had ever seen. We soon discovered we lived down the hall from each other on the same floor of the dorm.
Long story short, we have been inseparable for the past 27 years. We were the best man in each other’s weddings. We have been there for the successes in each other’s lives as well as the heart breaks. We may not speak daily, but it does not mean he’s not with me. We were even initiated as brothers in the Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity, though we had been brothers long before that. As the saying goes, “Not brothers by blood, but brothers by heart” (Unknown).
What makes a brother? He knows you completely-how you think, what makes you tick, what motivates you. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly and still loves you. He will go into battle with you. He has your back. There is a trust that has been established and tested that is impossible to break. There is a reason why soldiers call their colleagues in arms “brothers.”
Even Proverbs says this: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born to share troubles” (17:17, NLV).
A brother is the first one to grab you by the shoulders when you need an ego check or a “come to Jesus” meeting. His words can penetrate you in ways that defy explanation. In Matt’s case, he is a man of few words, so when he does speak, you’d be best served to listen.
As an Uncle, I am aware that I possess this seemingly “magical” ability to get through to my nephews in a way no one else can. I remember how my Uncle could say the exact same thing as my parents but coming from him I seemed to listen more. This is because, as Uncle, I can relate to them without a formal hierarchy or sense of authority.
For example, Smith is a carbon copy of me, in every way. He wears his heart on his sleeve and has a high emotional IQ. He may cover it with what he believes is a masculine bravado, but he feels deeply. One day he will learn to embrace this and realize that it is a strength and not something to hide. Because I can take a look at Smith and know exactly what he is thinking and feeling, I have the ability to talk with him in a way that no one else can. As long as I make sure he knows that I love him and that I am not attacking him, I am able to say anything to him without him throwing walls up or shutting down. I am able to offer course correction and advice without it sounding like a “fatherly” lecture. I can communicate more as a peer and an advocate rather than a source of authoritarianism. And when he is wrong, I still have his back, though we will certainly have a conversation about what better choices could have been made. These interactions are imperative for his growth.
My nephews (and niece when she is older) know they can come to me and ask or talk about anything without fear of getting in trouble. They know I won’t judge, and I have discovered their questions come from an honest place of curiosity. I did the same with my Uncle.
Brother moments are the mainstay of the relationship. I understand the importance they play in shaping them into the young men they will become. It is where our bond of trust is developed, nurtured, and strengthened. These are my favorite moments. Sometimes they happen while driving to Dave & Buster’s or Buffalo Wild Wings, sometimes while throwing the ball or playing PlayStation, or they can happen while we are just sitting on the back deck around the fire while watching TV. Whenever they happen, it is my responsibility to be present, listen, not judge, and emulate everything it is that I hope they become when they get older. It is my job to be for them what Matt is for me.
FRIEND
The most fun role in being an Uncle is when you simply come down to their level and be their friend. It is not about discipline or important talks; it is about simply having fun. And like any good friend, sometimes you end up in a little trouble (nothing illegal), but it is my job at times to jump into the fray with them (another requirement of the FUNCLE). Maybe we stay up later than we should playing MLB The Show or watching that NETFLIX anime show that Bo has to explain to me every time. Whatever we do, we do it together.
Even in friend mode, my want and need of protecting them is always present. I call it controlled chaos . . . we are having fun, maybe pushing some boundaries, or breaking a rule, but I never allow them to experience any danger or fear of injury. I will always be like Holden Caulfield in J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, holding my arms out to keep the kids from the unknown cliffside as they play, gleefully unaware of any danger that might be present.
I have also learned that my nephews learn and pick up on a lot by how they see me react to situations. When in friend mode, there exists an honesty between us that allows for more direct and uncensored communication than when in father or brother mode. I can still direct their behavior, when needed, to reflect Christian values, without the formal hierarchy of adult/kid. I am teaching them how to have fun and let loose but do so respectfully, safely, and yes, legally.
Realize that being their friend is not actually about being on the same level as them. You must constantly keep in mind your role as adult and let it ultimately dictate your behavior (remember that the father role is the foundation that allows you to enjoy these moments). But when you can let go and meet them where they are, engage in activities on their level, you will find opportunities to pour into them and provide correction and growth in ways you cannot as father or brother. And the best part of this is that they don’t even realize they are being corrected or nurtured!
Being an Uncle is one of the greatest privileges of my life. It is a delicate balance of being a father, a brother, and a friend—each role carrying its own weight and responsibilities, yet all working together to create a lasting impact. My Uncle set the standard for me, shaping the way I love, mentor, and guide my own nephews and niece. Through discipline, support, and the occasional harmless mischief, I strive to be the safe space they need, the example they can follow, and the friend they can trust. I may not always get it right, but my commitment to them never wavers. One day, when they look back on their childhood, I hope they remember the laughter, the lessons, and the love—just as I do with my Uncle. And if I do my job right, maybe they’ll carry on the tradition when it’s their turn to be the FUNCLE.