“Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”
-Author Unknown
It was the fall of 2008. I was unaware of it, but I was standing at the precipice of a life-changing experience. Recently graduated from the University of Florida with my MFA in Acting and a newly signed agent, I took the next “logical” step in an actor’s life and made the move to New York City. I had recently had a bad breakup with the girl I was dating, which did not make sitting alone in my apartment that first night any easier. What made it worse was that she lived on the other side of town, and she inherited all the friends in the breakup. I had a few acquaintances from my time in grad school who had made the move as well, but my circle of close friends (along with my family) were still in the south.
I was alone, and in every facet imaginable, I was going to have to find my way in a brand-new city.
My sister has always been a rock for me. She is unaware of how many times God has spoken to me through her, so that first week in NYC when she texted out of the blue to recommend I listen to the soundtrack from the movie Fireproof, she had no idea that God was using her to send me a message and teach me a lesson. I had no idea how much that album would change my life.
I quickly downloaded it to my iPod Classic (5th Generation, if you must know). It became all I listened to (along with a short list of podcasts from well known pastors) . . . walking to the subway, on the train ride, walking the streets of the city, working out . . . everywhere. Even now, each song holds a special place in my heart and brings to mind a different NYC memory. This was the soundtrack of my time there.
But it was one song that changed my life in indescribable ways.
To this day, this song is a kind of anthem . . . an ever-present reminder that God is always there, even when I have drifted.
A reminder to serve through my pain. To worship even when I doubt, remain strong when I am weak, and to run the race though all efforts seem futile.
While I’m Waiting by John Waller.
I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait
And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait
I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it’s not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait
And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait
I will move ahead bold and confident
I’ll be taking every step in obedience, yeah
While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
And I will serve You while I’m waiting
I vividly remember the first time I heard the song. It was a cool afternoon as I was walking down 30th Avenue towards my gym on the corner of Steinway Street in Astoria. I was thinking back on my first week in the city, wondering whether I had made the right decision. My agent was sending me on auditions, but I was quickly discouraged by several things, including but not limited to the number of actors at every audition (I’m pretty sure hell is an audition holding room full of actors just bragging about what show they recently closed or who they studied with at whatever big name acting studio).
What I was even more discouraged by was the reality that no one in the acting industry in this city really gave a care about you as a person. You were merely an asset to be judged, so you had better hope you were having a good day when you walk into that audition room. Having any semblance of kindness was viewed as weakness. Heck, my agent told me I should get rid of my Southern accent because she viewed it as, and I quote, a “sign of being uneducated.” So, I guess we just ignore the fact that it never shows up in my singing or my acting, unless called for by the role. With all due respect, that was one “suggestion” I ignored.
I won’t air all my grievances with the business, but I was quickly questioning a lot about the industry, about my move, about what I was supposed to be doing.
So, as I was headed toward the gym, I decided to listen to my newly downloaded album. I placed my iPod on shuffle and continued down 30th Avenue. Then, for the first time, I heard this song. I had no idea that my relationship with God was about to be redefined.
It took only one chorus to stop me in my tracks. I remember stepping into a nearby alley, crouching down and leaning against the wall, as the tears began to fall. I always wondered what it would be like to hear God speak. Not only was He speaking to me, He was punching me in the face with reality.
I am a Christian. I have been since as long as I can remember. This does not mean that I have always relied on God like I should. I worry about things and stress about stuff that I can’t control. I become so consumed with the crap the world throws at me that sometimes I forget to stop and remind myself that I have a God who will work all things for His glory if I remain faithful.
Only a week into this new chapter in my life and I was stressing about trying to find a survival job, trying to have that perfect audition, trying to meet new friends . . . what I wasn’t doing was trying to find a new church or spend time with God. What I wasn’t doing was trusting Him with my situation.
I vowed in that moment to put my faith in Him; not only in that moment, but in every waking moment, trusting Him to do what He has promised. I began to spend more time reading the Bible, praying, and having conversations with God throughout the day. And I can promise you, there are times when I know I heard Him respond.
What I found when I spent time with Him was that I no longer stressed about what would happen. I truly became at peace with whatever came my way because I not only knew that He was working all things for His glory, but I believed it. It is one thing to say you know that God is working, but another thing entirely to truly believe it and find the peace that comes with that belief.
Within a week, I found a survival job. As I was walking around midtown, I saw a sign in the window of a sports/running store. I walked in to inquire about the job, and I walked out knowing that I would start the next Monday. And that job, though not in acting, led me to meet Riley, Katie, and Jonathan, who became life-long friends and three of the most important people in my life to this day. See what God did there? It wasn’t through acting (the very reason I moved to NYC) but through a mundane retail job that God sent me three friends who would come to know me better than I know myself. Three people who would be my bedrock in this city that makes a habit of crushing individuals. Three people who would keep me grounded. And still do.
After a few weeks, I found a church that helped make the city a bit smaller. It gave me a place to recharge my spiritual battery. It became an anchor for me to come back to when I needed some support.
I started to go into my auditions with a different attitude. Instead of praying to get the part, I asked only that I do my best in the moment. When the audition was over, I walked out with the peace that I did my best and if it were meant to happen then it would. I gave my all and if that were not good enough, then nothing I could do would be. This way of living completely changed my mindset. I no longer lived or died with each audition.
I was beginning to forge my place in this new world. Looking back, I could not imagine trying to do so without the support I found through my faith and the assurance that God was taking care of me. There were times, early on, that all I had was my faith. Had I not grabbed a hold of it with both hands, I shudder to envision where my life would have taken me or who I would be.
I also can’t say that I would have been able to do it without God using my sister to send me the message that I needed most. He sent me a roadmap, a reminder, and a promise in the form of a song.
I had no idea what direction my life should or would take. I woke up, auditioned in the morning, hit the gym at lunch, and off to work until close. Then home to do it all over again.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was easy to become impatient, doubtful, and frustrated. What God wanted me to learn was how to keep praying, keep serving, remain strong, and remain faithful all while waiting on Him and His plan to come to fruition. This did not mean I didn’t do everything in my effort to make it happen on my end . . . it means by doing so, I was making sure that I would be ready. Your preparation, when fueled by faithfulness, allows God to put you in the place He needs you to be to do the work for which He has called you. And sometimes that place is somewhere you can’t even imagine in the present.
It is not easy to worship or to serve or to remain confident when you don’t see any movement. It is hard to be bold in your actions when they seem futile. I wish I could say that I didn’t get mad or frustrated. I still do. But I also believe God is okay with that, as long as you take everything to Him. I truly believe He understands our frustration and even our anger. Jesus experienced these same emotions. What you cannot do, though, is lose sight of Him and fail to spend time in His presence. You must boldly and confidently keep taking one step at a time in obedience.
As for my auditions, I was one of the lucky ones. I got my first show within my first six months and then was blessed enough to work full-time as an actor for the next decade. The industry and the work eventually led me back home to Atlanta, and my future wife. Though I thought my life was headed in one direction, God had different plans.
The lessons I learned through this time of my life have allowed me to weather many situations since. I may not understand why Ashley and I have not been blessed with a child, but I truly believe that there is a reason and God has it under control. Do I get mad and frustrated? You better believe it. I have had many a conversation with God about it . . . and He allows me these moments. He understands my hurt and He knows my heart.
No, I don’t understand why a couple like Ashley and I-who want kids, who want to start a family, who would love our children unconditionally-are denied this desire. I look at children who grow up in a broken family or who have to grow up with an absent father . . . why do men who refuse to fulfill their duty of being a father even get the chance to be one? Why should they be blessed with a child they want nothing to do with while there are men like me who would give anything to be a father?
I don’t understand. It does make me mad. But I find peace in knowing that God has a plan for Ashley and me. Maybe it is kids of our own. Maybe it is adoption. Or maybe it is to just love on the children in our life with all our hearts (and have a lot of dogs). Whatever the plan, I promise to be obedient. In the meantime, I will be the most loving uncle to my three nephews and one niece, whom I love with all my heart.
There is a plan. I cannot see it now, but I know God does. That is all that matters.
When the time is right, I know He will make it known. Until then, I will remain faithful. I will praise Him while I’m waiting. I will worship Him while I’m waiting. I will serve Him while I’m waiting. And I will move ahead boldly and confidently, taking every step in obedience to Him.
No, it is not easy . . . but faithfully, I will wait.